Will You Marry me....??

My friend tells me of all the fun she has browsing through matrimonial sites. Some of the literary gems one comes across there are unparalleled or so she claims. Intrigued, I decided to take a peek at the kind of namunas my matrimonial profile attracts (ya I have one too..surprised? I guess you haven’t read my last post then!)..and Voila...I have my next post.

Now, you have to excuse me for posting this. I am suffering from viral fever and a severe case of writers blog. Both seem to have affected the one thing that I have in extremely low quantity.. brains. So against better judgment, I post here a profile from a leading matrimonial site. I have edited only the name so that the original flavor of the write up is retained. If this appalls you, please pray that I get cured of my writers block so that I can treat you to some original bakwaas.

Hi I Am xxxxxxxx. My Age Is xx Years Old. I Am Perment Residence Of xx City My Education Is B. Com, L. L. B, G. D. C. x; A. , (Certified Auditor In Government Co-Op Department), A. M. F. I. , (Broker Of Mutul Fund) I. R. D. A. ,

I Am Is To Do The Business. My Business Is Whole sale Distributor Of Gold And Silver Jewellery. (xxxx ) The Turnover Of This Is 1 Corers. (Today The Marketis A Versatile And Thetis Why The Business Is Only One Corers Bur It Can Be Two To Three Corers) My Business Is Under The Jurisdiction To All Marathwada And Maharastra (West) My Thinking Is To Do The Business On My Whole Life Today. My Latesy Business Is Wholesale Distributor I Am Doing The Business If xxxx (xxxx Traders) By That I Have My Turnover Of Rs. 5 Corers Of The Whole Year. I Am Appointment On The Panel Of Gold Valuer In Various Banks, & Appointment On The Panel Of Certified Auditor In Government Co-Op Department, There Is No Loan Or Any Of The Dues On Me Or On My Family And This All Business Is All On My Individual Things

My Life Says That And I Also Think That Hard Worker Person Have Made The Success In The Life The History Also Says That Hard Worker Person Is Always In The Success I Am A Positive Creative Person.

I Think That My Life Partner Should Be The Same Thinkers Of Mine And I Think That The Person Should Be Seen And Not The Patrikas I Think That The Person Should Be Seen Good Or Bad I Think That She Should Be In The Faculty Of Commerce, Finance, Investment, Sector Consulting

I Am The Permant Resident Of Aurangabad City I Have An Independent Bungalow, 1 BHK Ahemadnagar, Old Agriculture Land In Ahemadnagar, No Liability, Well Settled, 4-Wheeler, 2-Wheelers Etc. Financially Sound We . I Am Fair, Good-Looking And Charming Boy. I Am Full Of Enthusiasm. & Understands Family Values And Also Social Values. I Am Quiet Active And Good Sense Of Humor. I Am Pure Vegetarian, I Am Also Non Smoker Non Drinker Who Also Strong Belief Into The Cultural As Well As Traditional Festivals Etc. I Will Do Business In My Life And My Aim Is To Do Business With Comparisons Ambani And Tata Also

My Attitude Believe In Simplicity, Enjoy Life, Cooperate Each Other To Progress In Life. Have Deep Faith In God. Health Entire Family Has Sound Health, No Disease, No Hereditary Diseases

My Hobbies Are Reading News About Share Markets And Jewellery Market Searching Of The New Business I Also Like Traveling In Other Cities Country And To Make New Business Friends,

I Have Also Issued My Passport From The Regional Office.

My Family Is A Very Nucleus In My Family There Is Father, Mother And A Littile Sweet Sister.

As Per My Knowledge I Have Give All My Information And If Any Of The Things Are Not Appeared That I Do Not Know

I Am Very Much Thankful That You Have Taken Some Of The Interesting Me…….

PS: I have changed nothing. The spellings, the grammar, the sentiments and the use of CAPS are all Mr xxx’s doing.

PPS: This post has been published with the complete faith that Mr xxx will never waste his time reading blogs. If he does, you can be sure it wasnt the viral fever that killed me.

Not Another Tag...Seriously!!

Every blog I go to these days is infected by Tag–O-Mania. God bless the soul who started this idea of tagging, because it gives you an insight into the lives of people you know only through their pen (in this case blog) name.

Popular as I am, I have had quite a few requests from fellow bloggers asking me to disclose some interesting tidbits about myself. Abhi main kya karun, I am the modest types – blowing my own trumpet is not something I do :P

But, in keeping with popular demand, I will let you have a sneak peek into my glorious and happening life….but in a zara sa hatke style.

I came across a site which gave me answers to some of life’s most profound questions and I publish them here..as is..without any tweaking..but yes, with a few vishesh tipanis of my own.

I am often asked by people : How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

51%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?
51%?? ONLY 51%??
Smiling weirdly in the midst of serious conversations because I have suddenly thought of a blogpost idea..is 51% addiction??
Trying to think of a dhansu heading or an awesome punch line in the middle of a meeting… is 51% addiction??
Listening to my friends woe stories and then coming and blogging about it..is 51% addiction??
Coming up with a blogpost idea when writing another blog post… is 51% addiction??

If I am only 51% addicted, I wonder 100% addicts kaise honge!

Infact, my mom has threatened me that if I don’t get over this addiction soon, she will lock me and my lappy into a room. But honestly, I don’t care, because I can survive that too..or so says this badge!

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

I have always been concerned that I aint healthy enough, what with the blogging addiction and no exercise. I often wonder if I would be able to get out of a fight alive. Taking this test put my irrational fears at rest. I am glad to say I am still as strong as I was 20 years ago.
12

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Site

Infact, I am so healthy that I can outrun 21% of Mumbai’s population if need be.Putting this into prespective, this means I can outrun 28,69,205 hatta katta aadmi log and yet survive.

21%

Infact, I was so happy with this test result that I called up my boss to tell him the good news. He, however, had other plans. He took another test and found out that I am more valuable dead then alive.

$5875.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth.

Infact, uski bhi galti nahi hai…I guess that is the only way he can hope to make good the loss my company has incurred due to my bloggomania!

I guess this more or less tells you all that you need to know. If you have read this far, I applaud you and crown you the true bakwaas fan because itna bakwaas toh main khud bhi nahi jhel pati. ***Clap clap clap***

For people who are still interested here are a few more interesting(??) details:

22%

Blunty,Anjana,Sowmi, Spikey - Beware..!! I will eat you!!

18%

Created by Recipe Star

P.S: All tests

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

Funny Moments in Church :)

This again is an email that I got..damn hilarious!!

Dont believe me?? Check it out!

Why women hate sports!

I rest my case!

Promises are meant to be broken...!!

Hilarious Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails !!!!!!!

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009 also.

Because of your kindness:
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer...
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
* Still open to help somebody from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.
* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a dog will bite you today at 6:30pm. Nothing has happened till now.....................but who knows. So please forward.

PS: The title refers to my previous post (Girls and Friendships) where I had promised that it would be the last email I posted.. looks like I broke that one :)

How to Dump your Boyfriend in 10 days !!

My friends and I were discussing movies over lunch today and the conversation turned to chick flicks. Bridget Jones diary definitely tops my list on that one..everybody else had their own choice of movies.

One movie which sounded interesting (sounded coz i haven't watched it) was how to lose a guy in 10 days. The whole idea seemed quite interesting..a dating guide in the reverse...things that one shouldn't do in a relationship....the movie promised to be mighty hilarious.While everyone excitedly started making plans of watching it on our next sleepover, gripped by Blogomania all I could think of was how this would actually make a great blog post. I could use all the expertise I have gained in this area..some thru my own experience and others through the experiences of others (finally all those years spent playing agony aunt are paying off!!)

So hold your breath as Shanu proudly presents:

How to Dump your Boyfriend in 10 days

Yeah Dosti hum jaroor todenge: Pester him to introduce you to his friends. Once he relents and introduces you, you have a variety of tactics at your disposal.

Tactic 1: Pick the cutest guy in the group and start talking to him. For better results take his cell number and call him to talk about nothing. If your boyfriend calls, tell him you

cant talk because you are busy talking to his friend.

Tactic 2: Right after you meet them, tell him how you think they

are not right for him. Choose random people from your Orkut friend list and ask him to send them friend requests. If he protests start crying and say that you are only trying to help him.

Preparation time: 1-2 weeks of pestering; Additional 2 weeks for Tactic 1

Difficulty: Medium

Probability of scaring the guy away: Medium

Probability of a fight (which could be used to dump the guy):High

Wherever you go, my network follows: Call him every 2 hours and message him every 15 mins. If he doesn't answer your calls, increase the frequency of calls. Works best if he is in an important meeting.

One of my friend's GF called him 40 times in 30 minutes. Try beating that record.

Preparation time: None

Difficulty: Medium

Probability of scaring the guy away: High

Probability of a fight :Very High

Har Rang kuch kehta hai: Buy a new dress and ask your BF to guess the colour. I was lucky(??) to be privy to one of such conversations.

She: I bought a new dress today..Guess whats the colour?

He:Umm..Green?

She:Ankhin kaunta rang asto?? (This is in marathi..when translated means - What other colour can you guess)

He:Blue

She:Ankhin kaunta rang asto??

He:Black

She:Ankhin kaunta rang asto??

You get the gist don't you??

The conversation between my friend and her BF continued for 2 hours at the end of which the guy was out of colours and yet he hadn't guessed the right one. How could he, when the colour was a cross between tomato red and lotus pink??

Preparation time: High - also involves cost of the dress.

Difficulty: Low

Probability of scaring the guy away: Low

Probability of a fight :Low

Weighty matters (to be used with the earlier point for best results): Wear a new dress and ask him "Do you think I look fat??"

Variations include asking him "Do you think my best friend Meera is pretty?", "Does this haircut make me look younger?"

Research shows men haven't been able to figure out an answer to these yet..and if your BF answers these questions convincingly..think again..maybe u shouldn't be dumping him after all.

Preparation time: None

Difficulty: Low

Probability of scaring the guy away: High

Probability of a fight :Very High

Phone a friend: Call all the girls in his phone book and casually ask them if they were dating him. If they answer in negative demand to know why. Do they feel he isn't boyfriend material?

If they answer in positive ask them if they are still in touch and use the details to pick up a fight with your BF.

Preparation time: Medium

Difficulty: High

Probability of scaring the guy away: High

Probability of a fight :Very High

Take an interest in his interests and do the exact opposite: I don't need to explain this now do I?

Preparation time: None

Difficulty: Medium

Probability of scaring the guy away: Medium

Probability of a fight :High

Tell your friends intimate details about your relationship: This is a gr8 way of losing not only ur bf but also ur best friends...the nastier the details shared, the better. When you introduce him to your friends ask them to look at him and giggle. When he asks why..tell him its just a small secret and laugh some more.

Preparation time: None

Difficulty: Low

Probability of scaring the guy away: High

Probability of a fight :Very High

I hope these tips are as useful to you as they were to my countless friends...Any other suggestions are welcome.

A Rick in Time....

I hate walking.
Seriously I mean it...I hate walking.
With Paro's entry in my life..things have become easier (although I am still dependant on Vishnukaka..but what the heck..I can get anywhere I want without walking!) but I cannot forget my first love..The Rickshaw


When I was younger I loved taking the rickshaw wherever I went...Infact there was a point when my mom was so fed up of my rickking ways that she would threaten to get me married to a rickwala if I didn't stop. And I in my kiddish dreams would imagine myself married to a rickwala and all the perks that came with it. I was actually quite upset when my mom started concentrating on the fact that I couldnt cook and started threatening that she would get me married to a cook.


Anyways, back to the point.

My love for the rickwalas is not without a cause. I can recall a 10001 incidents when they have helped me out!

The rickwala is the answer to 2 of my greatest shortcomings. Don't believe me? Let me explain:

1) I suck at directions and I mean it: I travelled to college by train for 2 years. I would take the same train everyday..get down on the same platform..walk up the same foot over bridge and take the same steps down to get to my college in the west. One fine Monday I was late. I missed the bus which took me to the station. That made me miss the train that I usually took. On the spur of the moment...I decided to take the fast train from the opposite platform.I got off the train and followed the crowd up the footover bridge.

Walking down the bridge I realised that everything seemed different. Wow how much things have changed over the weekend I thought to myself. I realised something was amiss when I hadnt reached my college inspite of walking for a good 20 mins.

Bhaiyya yeah *** College kidhar hai?
Madam *** toh west main hai..yeah toh east hai!!
Acha..abhi main west main kaise jaaun?
Madam Rickshaw pakad lo...10 mins main pahunch jaaoge.

See what I mean?

2) I am always late: The rickwala has saved my life so many times I cant even count.
Late? Just say I didnt get a rick.
Really late? Tell the rickwala "Bhaiyya mujhe Powai 20 mins main pahunchna hai" and there u are...from Andheri to Powai in 20 mins flat!!
Really really late? Blame the rickwala "God my rickwala was so slow... I could have walked faster!"

From school to college to office...the rickshaw has stood by my side..solid as a rock..ever ready and ever willing to whisk me away whenever I am lost (quite often) and to take the blame whenever I am late(always).
Although my relationship with the rickwalas has soured after Paro's antics (I have crashed into the headlights of one and into the tail lights of another).....this is one relationship I will cherish forever.

Girls and Friendships

Girls' relationship with guys is a bigger mystery than girls themselves. It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that gals have.

Do you have a gal who is just a friend?

Are you confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer?

Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white shoes?

Here's a ready reckoner for you:

Just a friend: Well, you are like a show piece in her house. She will call you whenever she needs you. If you call her home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, "Oh Abhi, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??"

Abhi: "Where are you going Shilpa??"

Shilpa: "None of your business" and bangs the phone.

(Useless fellow. Hmmph!).

Good Friend: You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that. But I try using you when I really need you.

Abhi calls: "Hi Shilpa",

Shilpa: "Hi Abhi. I am going out with family I will call you back. Bye" (Shilpa calls back after two days)

Shilpa: "What do you want Abhi? Why did you call that day?".

Abhi: "Generally".

Shilpa: "Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye."

Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.

Very good friend: Well you are like the pressure cooker safety valve for the girl. She will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on someone. Basically, she wants to talk to you. And you are special to her.

Shilpa: "You know Abhi, Shekhar is not eating. He doesn't sleep and is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn't like me anymore. And yesterday I saw him with another girl" .

Abhi: "Who is Shekhar??"

Shilpa : "My boyfriend."

Abhi: Oh! ok. :-(

Best Friend: You are like the auto rickshaw driver. She can't live without you. And don't be mistaken. You are not her boyfriend. But you are allowed to take her little doggie around the park so that he (not you!) can do poo-poo. Abhi Shopping. Abhi Movie. Abhi Coffee. Abhi, you pay. I am having fun. Abhi is now sure that he should go ahead and propose. He dares.

Shilpa: "But I thought we were just friends. We should remain friends Abhi. Plus, I have a boy friend you know that."

Abhi: What?? (Abhi drinks all night).

Best of the Bestest Friends: Ok now you are really special. You are dad-cum-boyfriend-cum-brother-cum-everything. Ultimately you are the darling servant of the girl. You take her around. You make her project. You do her assignments. You are allowed to take her doggie around. You can hold hands on the beach. You can see the sun set with her (because she wants to do everything she drags you along). But but but... don't be mistaken. She has a boyfriend who works for a huge software company and earns 3 time the salary you earn and has a flat in Poes Garden or Boat Club or Hiranandani area.

Shilpa: "Hi Abhi. I am getting engaged to Shekhar. Shekhar this is Abhi, he is my bestest friend".

Abhi: Hi Shekhar . (Hand shake. Shekhar breaks Abhi's wrist).

Abhi is now heart broken and wrist broken.

Boyfriend: Uh... No comments dude. You're already screwed

PS: I am not even gonna pretend that I came up with something as awesome as this...just like last time...this is an email I received...it is soo awesome i cldnt resist sharing it..but I promise this is the last email I post!!

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

Last week at work was madness with the auditors breathing down my neck...was soo caught up that I could not take time out to blog (There go all my claims of being gripped by Blogomania) But admist all the madness I saw this email which had me in splits (and also gave me an idea about a post..wrking on that one right now) and I kinda figured out that I could use this to end my post drought. Now I am new to blogging and in Sheldon's (from the Big bang theory) words "I dont know what the protocal is"...so if copy pasting an email is a complete No no..pls let me know and I will remove the post pronto!!

But till then ....How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1) At lunch time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.”
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the memo field of all your checks, write “for smuggling diamonds”
7) Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
8) Don’t use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go.”
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme?
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16) Have your Co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!, I Won!”
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
19) Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
20) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.
21) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
22) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
23) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
24) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
25) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
26) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
27) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
28) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
29) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
30) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity………….It’s called THERAPY!

Are you on FB??

The blogging fever has really gripped me off late...I mean I actually think of what I can post next at 1 in the morning(****yawns****)..I get inspiration in the weirdest of places and in the middle of random conversations...Its like I have been gripped by Blogomania.

Its no wonder then that the minute i set my eyes on this status update on Facebook I had to post it here......all names have been changed to protect identities.

Read at your own risk!!

This was the status message Mr XXX updated on his facebook account:

XXX has got two boils inside his nose..... boo hoo :(( (Super Painful)

D Likes this
S at 5:28pm May 9
Hahahahaha

P at 5:30pm May 9
omg takecare it must be really hurting na??? aur sneeze aai to??

R at 5:56pm May 9
take care of both one by one

K at 8:22pm May 9 via Facebook Mobile
try sneezing........... :P

R at 12:07am May 10
atleast stop fingerin der bro

D at 12:11am May 10
Eekssss !!! Lol

A at 1:25am May 10
hmmmmmmmmmm... stop digging ur nose for a while lol:)

XXX at 2:27pm May 10
I am in pain n D likes this... u meano!
S dont laugh or ill give u a pain somewhere else... lol
Yeah P very painful yaa....
R took care of both......
K & A i dont dig like u guys..... lol
K gud one !

I am sure after reading this..you must be wondering...subah ke 1 baje aise inspirations aate hain kya...obsvly na yaar...wat else do u expct....I also realize I might lose the only ** now 2 ** followers (***yay***) I have (***Shudders***) but pls pls pls..dont go...Ill try to think of sumthin better next time!!