Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Based on a True Story (3)

***Queen of my house****

My friends have always maintained that I am too pampered. Not doing household work doesn't make one pampered I have tried reasoning. But overcome by envy, they have refused to see sense. So when I got an opportunity to redeem myself, I decided to plunge head first. I had to after all, show that I am not as pampered as I am made out to be.

My friends came over for a sleepover this weekend.Going out for a late night walk, Watching Twilight and gossiping to our heart's content were all a part of the agenda. Doing household work wasn't. But as fate would have it, my mom had to go out for some work. No harm done. We still had the bai who would come in and finish all the cleaning and swabbing I was told. But as soon as mom left, Manisha (our bai) calls to tell me that she cant come in to work as her husband has hurt himself in a drunken fight.

So what are you planning to do now? Priya asked me
Go watch Whats your rashee..thatz the plan remember? I answered

My answer was greeted by 3 pairs of accusing eyes.

And who will do all the household work?
Umm..I guess mom will. Once she is back.

More silence and loads of glaring.

Umm..OK. What do you guys wanna do about it then?
We? We arent going to do anything. You will have to do the cleaning, the sweeping and the washing Miss Pampered.

Haah Big deal. I can do it in no time. We can go for the movie after that.
(Cleaning, sweeping and washing..I have seen Manisha do it a million times..how difficult can it be)

Inspite of their initial nakras, my friends decided to help me with the work. They say that I am pampered and spoilt but that doesn't stop them from pampering me and spoiling me rotten.

One took the sweeping, the other took the cleaning and I was given the task of washing clothes.
I mean how difficult is it? Put the clothes in the machine, put in the powder and start the machine. Done dana done.

Anyhoo, while I finished loading the machine, I couldnt find the washing powder. How could I, when I had never checked to see where the powder was kept. After searching high and low, I finally found it hiding behind the kitchen sink. Heaving a sigh of relief, I generously poured 3 spoons of powder into the machine, set the timer and bounded off..trying to find something else to do.

While the clothes took care of themselves, I decided to cook food. I mean how difficult is it to make roti and sabzi. I have seen my mom do it a million times.

My friends had by then decided to test my round roti making skills and me delegated the task of making the dough and the rotis. Making the dough was simple..making the rotis wasnt. My rotis were of all shapes and sizes other than round. After several attempts I got a brain wave. All my rotis after that were perfectly round. How did I manage that? Simple. Roll out the dough in any shape you want and then use a sharp edged plate to cut the rotis into perfect circles. Hoon na main genius types!

Rotis and sabzi done, I decided to turn my attention to the clothes that had by now been washed clean by the washing machine.But yeah kya? The clothes didn't feel clean and smelled weird too. Must be the new powder I thought. I put up the clothes for drying and glanced at my friends. Whoz pampered now?

My mom came home to a clean house and a gleaming daughter.

Epilogue: My mom later revealed that the clothes smelled weird because I had used washing powder meant for washing utensils. Some clothes had to be rewashed and some had to be thrown away.

My friend Rose ended up with a upset stomach and had to spend the next 2 days off work.

Manisha had to spend twice as much time as she usually takes to wash utensils as she was burdened with the additional task of scrapping off the burnt remnants of the aloo sabzi.

My mom has asked me never ever to help her again. :-)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Moving On....

I have been gayab from my little bloggie for days now. I haven’t been able to visit your blogs either. Where I have been able to visit your blogs, I haven’t been able to comment..and before people start pointing out the stupid shayari that I have been unleashing on Choco’s blog let me rephrase..I haven’t been able to comment responsibly on posts. And that is because I am moving house.

For me this week has been a week of new learnings. Moving house has actually brought me closer to myself. One ligament tear and a couple of pulled muscles later, I have realised that I aint as strong as I pretend to be..both emotionally and physically.

Nostalgia grips me by the throat and I find myself missing random stuff like the lanes that I passed through everyday for the last 18 years of my life or the pack of dogs who mysteriously transformed into a rock band every night introducing me to various genres of music. I now know where Himeshbhai gets his inspiration from.

Moving houses has also thought me a lot of things.

Like the back of the bed isn’t a good place to hide your marksheets, because sooner or later you get caught. My mom found a stack of my standard 11 marksheets crumpled up behind my bed. While I had managed to respectfully pass out of college (with distinction..just in case anyone is getting any ideas ) she couldnt resist looking at my marks and sniggering.

Or that my cupboard has enough clothes to fill up 3 cartons and yet I end up wearing my favourite few again and again. Pareto’s principle anyone?

Moving house has finally helped me learn how to use my lappy. I have been sticking to my faithful desktop while poor lappy sat all covered with dust. Delayed delivery pf the PC table and my total addiction to the net has made sure that I learn how to use the lappy. The keys are still too sensitive for my taste and the mouse too complicated to use..but yet here I am writing a whole post while the lappy beeps screaming for a recharge.

These few days have also helped the people in my new building experience my hidden talents. Like my power over rickwalas. Every morning I have a queue waiting for me eager to drive me to my destination.Like the Pied Piper of Hamelin, I attract rickwalas to my doorstep. Or like my awesome driving skills. 6 days into the new house and I have managed to dent one of my neighbors cars. The good thing is that the chap has a great sense of humor and a car that is already majorly dented by his sister. Bad news is that he is HOT.

Now I have never been the type to believe in love at first sight. One look at him and I was ready to toss away my life long beliefs. He is Adonis reincarnated with the most amazing dimples I have ever seen. I have honestly never cared about how I look and there I was that day in the most kachara halat you can ever imagine..with my hair tied up in a high pony and dressed in my tracks and sweatshirt, definitely a far cry from how I would have wanted to be when I first met him. Anyhoo, dad has invited him for the grah pravesh pooja where I shall dazzle him all dressed in my traditional glory.

I have also realised that I am not as health conscious as I pretend to be. I never eat without washing my hands. And roadside stuff is a big time no-no (I know most of you are going...is she crazy..yeah I am..I am cleanliness obsessed just like my fav Monica). But the last week was spent buying stuff from the roadside sandwich wala and eating in a house full of boxes and a LOT of dirt. Cleanliness and hygiene went flying out of the window and I discovered my love for dirt laden roadside food.

I have also realised that I am not clumsy as I had always claimed to be. 1 dinner set and 2 broken cups later..I now know I am clumsier. But that thankfully has got me off the kitchen duty.

I still have loads of boxes to unpack and stuff to buy and loads of stuff to learn about myself.

I shall be back soon..with loads of bakwaas and hopefully some pics of the flower rangoli I am planning to make on Dasshera.

Monday, September 14, 2009

They Walk Among Us!

Millionaire Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever

Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut B) An Elephant C) The Moon D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust.

'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed,leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call.

'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon.

15 seconds hun.'

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.

''I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.'

Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon,

I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

Caution...they walk among us!

This one is actually better! (No comments needed!)

Caution... They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and
hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!

Yeah... They Walk Among Us!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....

'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

Caution... They Walk Among Us!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because,
he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

Hmmm... They Walk Among Us!


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of
the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt ifshe gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

Haan... They Walk Among Us!


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to
an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

Ohh... They Walk Among Us!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage
office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

Yep... They Walk Among Us!

Psst: Yes, this is copy pasted from an email :)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Wake up Shanu!!

I have been reporting to work late for the last 2 days. My sleep-deprived eyes are swollen and I keep dozing off at my desk. I have become the butt of jokes ranging from subtle hinting ones to plain crass ones. This is the 3rd night in a row and it doesn’t look like it gonna be any different. Because, Kallu jisne mere raaton ki neend udha li hai is still around.

My nights are spent playing ‘Who blinks first’ with Kallu and days are spent trying to dress while averting his constant gaze. He seems to be smitten by me because he is near the computer when I am chatting and as soon as I get ready for bed...there he is waiting for me.

I still remember the day when I first saw him. My heart skipped a beat and tried not to gasp. He held my gaze without batting an eyelid. I tried sleeping but couldn’t get his image out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes I could see his face.

When I didn’t see him around last night, my eyes kept searching for him. Although I couldn’t see him, I knew he was somewhere, looking at me. I assumed he must have gone for a midnight snack and I was right. He was back in no time smacking his lips and staring at me with those beady eyes.

I disliked creepy crawlies before Kallu came into my life but he has made me change my point of view. Now, I hate them.

Usually my father does the honors of driving the unwanted elements away. But he is away on a business trip. And as my brother derives sadistic pleasure from watching my ever-growing dark circles, I have no other alternative but to pray that Kallu – the lizard finds a better home….soon!

Psst: Kallu is reading over my shoulder as I write this. He is a huge black lizard who has currently made the wall near my bed his abode. He (don’t ask me how I know it’s a he…I just do) is the biggest, fattest, blackest lizard I have ever laid my eyes on.

Psst psst: I guess he took offence because I called him fat. I haven’t seen him for the last 2 hours. Believe it or not I actually miss him. I better rush off to bed before I start looking for him. I can’t survive another day on just 4 hours of sleep.

Psst psst psst: I know that the title has no connection to the post. But I couldnt come up with anything else :(

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Bacche Mann ke Sacche!!

Not so long ago, kids and I shared a love hate relationship. They loved me and I umm…I liked them ;) Abhi who bhi kya kare…mere jadoo (magic and not broom) se bade bade nahi bacch paye toh yeh bacche kya cheez hain!

It all changed one day when along came Polly opps I mean Nidhi who I met on my way to Shirdi. Nidhi is a typical talkative girl flaunting 2 tiny pony tails. Having a talkative child in the long bus journey can be amusing at first but then starts to get on your nerves what with their continuous yelling and blabbering.

Nidhi’s parents like all pakkaued parents let her run rampant on the co-passengers whilst they enjoyed some quality time together. (I honestly do not understand parents like them. Restaurants, bus, movie theatres you see these specimens everywhere. They let their children loose on the other patrons caring a damn about their child’s incessant yelling, crying and running around. Hello..wanna spend some quality time with your spouse?? Go to the garden and let your child play there. If not, please make sure that the child sits in one place and does not run about hiding under peoples chairs)

The child went around the bus peeking under seats and accepting biscuits and singing Jack and Jill to anyone who was willing to listen. As she approached my seat, I smiled at her and decided to plug on my Ipod least she decides to recite Jack and Jill for me. But kya na..I had completely forgotten the power of my Close up smile. One smile and Nidhi was hooked. She decided to recite to all nursery rhymes that she had learned while I chose to ignore her by listening to my Ipod. She then did something totally unexpected. She started crying. And there just like that I was crowned the vamp in this story.

Pakkaued of all the accusing glances that I got, I decided to clap for little Nidhi. Bas kya tha…. I was again crowned heroine with the kiddo smiling with all her 3 toothed glory.

Her parents apparently tired from all the coochi cooing decided to drag their child back to the seat while I thanked my lucky stars and went back to my Ipod. And then what Nidhi did next, made me fall in love with her. She yelled “I love you Didi” with all the might she could muster. Now, I am used to kids falling in love with me and one more shikar of my famous smile didn’t really move me. It was her second sentence that took my heart away. She turned to my younger brother who was sitting next to me and yelled in a louder voice “I love you Uncle”

Uncle!! My brother is a year younger to me. And she called him uncle and decided to call me Didi!! It was then that I knew that all the money I had spent on Santoor soaps wasn’t a waste after all. Kyunki sach main meri twacha se meri umar ka pata hi nahi chalta.

And so it continued throughout the journey..Uncle Uncle and Didi Didi. My giggles at the word Uncle encouraged her and she would yell louder. My poor brother didn’t know where to hide.

And that’s how my love hate relationship turned into a love love one J