Thursday, June 25, 2009

Confessions of a Part time Superheroine

As I was walking towards my seat this morning, I came across a very weird sight.Snowy was sitting upside down on Ajay’s desk. Irritated, I asked Ajay why Snowy was being punished. His answer? Neha was irritating him and what better way to get back at her than torturing poor innocent Snowy?I couldn’t bear it and snatched Snowy away and saved him from his plight.

That got me thinking…why do guys love torturing soft toys? What is about the soft, cuddly big-eyed sweethearts that brings out the devil in these guys?

I first came across this gory side when I took Cheeku with me to work. Cheeku was a happy rabbit, always smiling, always ready for a hug. My best friend Roy who was the most well behaved guy you could meet suddenly went through a transformation, the minute he set eyes on Cheeku. From a caring chivalrous guy, he turned into a monster whose only purpose in life was to torture poor Cheeku. I spent my days saving him from the paper pins and the soft board maker stains. No wonder, my managers used to wonder why my productivity had suddenly dropped.

One day, I reached work to find Cheeku dangling down the desk with the telephone cord wrapped around his neck. He even left behind a suicide note stating that he couldn’t take the torture anymore and was taking his own life. The fact that Cheeku’s handwriting matched Roy’s seemed mighty suspicious to me but I was too busy mourning to care.

After Cheeku’s untimely demise, I dedicated my life to the cause of down trodden, depressed soft toys. Infact whenever my friends see any soft toy in distress, I am the first person they call… I have kinda become the Soft toy rescuer.

I have saved Meenakshi’s Browny from becoming a football in the training room. I have rescued Natty’s Crunchy from the soft board marker vandals and have prevented Froggy’s eyes from being used as marbles when the guys found out that they were 2 marble short in their game of Kuncheys.

But, I consider Chintu’s rescue as the high point of my career.

Chintu, a cute blue frody (he is a cross between a frog and a teddy) was the apple of Monica’s eyes. He occupied a place of pride on her desk for several months. But all good things come to an end. Billoo entered Monica’s life and Chintu was quicky forgotten.

He was used by the boys to play football when bored or simply punched and tortured.

Once, I caught Yash using him to polish his shoes (yeah thatz how low these guys can stoop to) and I decided to rescue him.

He is yucky from all the torture he had to go through….and yet he is the most beautiful thing I have laid my eyes on. From being stamped…to being tossed around to being used to wipe away spilled tea…he has seen it all. But today as he sits quitely at my desk..staring at me with those beady eyes..he knows he is in safe hands.

PS: If anyone knows any softtoy in the dire need of being rescued please give me a call on 0808 TEDDY RESCUER and I shall be there.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Promises are meant to be broken...!!

Hilarious Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails !!!!!!!
I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009 also.

Because of your kindness:
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer...
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo.
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
* Still open to help somebody from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.
* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a dog will bite you today at 6:30pm. Nothing has happened till now.....................but who knows. So please forward.

PS: The title refers to my previous post (Girls and Friendships) where I had promised that it would be the last email I posted.. looks like I broke that one :)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

All in a Day's Work!!

Location: My bedroom


The phone rings


Fari: I have reached.

Me: No wayz..its 11:45..I was supposed to pick you up at 12.Why are you early?

Fari:Stop screaming and move your butt…when are you coming to pick me up.

Me:At 12

Fari: Why 12!!

Me:Bcoz thatz wat we decided u wont reach before 12:15..Call me when you leave..I don’t want to stand like a fool all alone.

Me: You mean to say you wont look like a fool if you are talking to me while you are waiting?

She: Shut up

Me: God wat language!!

Before the story progresses any further…let me introduce you to Fari.

They say opposites attract….and wat better proof than..Fari and me?

Fari and I are best friends (OK let me clarify before I get killed…Fari is one of my best friends) But we are as different as chalk and cheese.

She is short - I am tall

She is fat - I am thin

She has curly hair – I have straight hair

She has beautiful brown eyes – I have boring black eyes

She is dumb – I am smart (OK I am surely gonna die today)

Her shoe size is 6- My shoe size is 9 (8 actually just in case any1 is planning to gift me a pair of shoes… 6 and 9 opposites hai used it for effect)

She is the girliest girl you will meet- I am the typical tomboy

So its quite evident that….

She is ALWAYS before time and I am ALWAYS late.

And yet, she was there again..waiting for me 15 mins before if by some miracle I will land up before time…Hah..before time toh door ki baat hai….main aaj tak on time kahin nahi pahunchi!!

Anyhoo, the caring soul that I am, I decided to send Fari a message so that she could while away her time while waiting for me.

Message sent

Time: 12.00 pm

Location: My bedroom

Little birdie in the sky, dropped a poopie in your eye, Don’t you scream, don’t you cry, Just thank the Lord cows can't fly!

Message Received

Time: 12:01 pm

Ohh shut up and get moving!

Shee yaar..bhalai ka toh zamana hi nahi raha (Transalation: Ohh Crap! Goodness has no world now!)

Time: 12:26

Location: Andheri Flyover

Me: Baby, I am soo sorry I am late

Fari: I hate you..why did you send me that message?

Me: Wat? Wat did I do now?

Fari: See what happened!!

Points to a yucky green patch on her brand new white T shirt .

Me: Eww watz that…tu kya defective maal uthakar laayi hai kya?

Fari: Shut up! A crow pooped on me..bcoz of you!

Me: Because of me? I don’t remember feeding any crow this morning. So how could this poop be because of me? And waise bhi, its supposed to be lucky…trust me…aaj kuch acha hoga tere saath!!

Fari: Shut up!

Me: Aaare..kya faltoogiri hai..Kno wat..lets do 1 thing..lets ask the crow to poop on your other shoulder too..Mast lagega aur kissi ko pata bhi nahi chalega

Fari: Ohh shut up..lets get a rick.

Time: 12:35

Location: In the Rick

Me: Trust me it doesn’t look bad. Designer T shit I mean T shirt lag raha hai!

Fari: Ohh Shut up!

Me: Aare whats the point of being angry with me? When the crow had pooped on Rita you were the one giggling the most. Now that itz happened with you..natak u are doing!

And please don’t hug me today…I don’t want that yucky thing touching my clothes

Fari: SHUT UP!

(Ya..her vocab is limited to around 50 words including ‘I have reached’ and ‘Shut up’)

Time:1.00 pm

Location : Nirmal Lifestyle

Me: Cmon cheer up..its not visible at all. No one will notice a thing. Look, here come Priya and Rose.

Rose: (pointing to Fari’s T Shirt)Hehehe..yeh kya hua tere T shirt ko..ganda lag raha hai

Me: (Making violent throat cutting gestures) Shut up Rosie!

Priya: Tu kya Fari ka dialogue bol rahi hai...!

While we are indulging in mindless banter, a pair of eyes are focused on Fari. They seem to be following her every move noting the disgust with which she is looking at the green spot on her T shirt.

Finding Fari alone and ignored, he decides to make his move. His friends egg him on.

C'mon Shanky, you can do it! She is all wont find another opportunity.

He was scared. This was his first time. He decided to rise to the occasion and give it all he had and………….Splaatttt!!

Fari: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Priya, Rose and Me: Abh tereko kya hua!

Fari: See what happened!! Its all because of you Shanu..I hate you!

Me: What did I do now!!

Rose: Hahahahah..kya aim hai….that crow was too good! He has pooped exactly on the same place but on your other shoulder!! Too good!!

Priya : ROFLHAO….Awesome!!

Time: 1:05 pm

Location: Banayan tree- Crow headquaters

And the award goes to the Shanky for his awesome aim. Please join me in congratulating him!!

Shanky: Thank you for this award. But I have to mention one person without

whom this wouldn’t have been possible. Shanu!!

I was sitting by the flyover minding my own business when I overhead the conversation between Fari and Shanu…and it gave me an idea..if I could poop on her other shoulder at the exact same place, it would create a new record!

I dedicate this award to Shanu and her awesome ideas

All crows: To shanu!

Time: 7.30pm

Location: Andheri flyover

Me: Chal na..cheer up..see no1 noticed..the scarf covered the spots so well.

Fari: Shut up

Me: Aaare but why are you angry with me? As if I gave the crow this idea!

Shanky: Ahh the irony of life....some geniuses will always go unnoticed!

PS: No birds were harmed in the making of this post.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Ek Toothy Si Love Story!!

Princess Jaijaishubhlaxmi (Lets call her P.J shall we...the name is too long) was ecstatic. She was to marry Prince Ishwar Jaykumar Unnikrishnan (PIJU for short...watz with all these south Indian names!!) in 3 weeks. The palace was being cleaned and preparations were on in full swing..and why was the first wedding the palace was witnessing in 25 years.


Princess Jaijaishubhlaxmi's beauty was talked about in all kingdoms far and wide. Legend has it that her smile could light a thousand lamps (much like the HappydentWhite ads ) Many valiant princes had tried to win her hand but in vain. P.J didn’t feel the connection with any one.

One fine summer afternoon P.J was strolling in the royal gardens with her friends FM, RF and HS. These girls were courtiers in His Majesty's court. They were best friends and shared everything. They would meet by the lake during smoke breaks ( F, R and S who weren’t born to privilege like PJ worked during the day and partied during the nite. PJ on the other hand spent her days rejecting guys and her nites partying with her gal gang) and talk about the latest suitor to bite the dirt. But today something was different.

P.J seemed quite impressed with the latest suitor who had come her way. They had exchanged a few P-mails and she seemed quite smitten by him.

PJ: I think PIJU is the one (giggles)

S: But you haven’t even met him, how could you be so sure?

F: (staring at his oil painting) Ohh hez soo cute...!!

R: Ohh I dunno..I dont really like his pose..I mean which guy would wanna pose like that for a pic?

PJ: Ohh cmon you guys...hez cute...hez intelligent....He lives in UK (Uttar Karnataka).. You know how much I love UK!!

And right then the girls knew....PIJU was gonna become their Jiju.

At the palace (Flashpresent):

The preparations were on in full swing. PJs lustrous hair was being oiled and combed. Bottles of Livon (a gift from the British) were being emptied to ensure not one hair was out of place. PJ looked at herself in the mirror and was pleased. She had never looked so gorgeous..... PIJUs love was surely making her glow. She smiled at that thought. Par yeah kya...???? Only 900 lamps lit up!!

PJ: Ohh no Mom, my smile doesn’t have that Jadoo anymore :(

Maharani Mom (MaM): Ohh no..we will now have to manually light those 100 lamps. Do you have any idea how expensive kerosene is now a days??

Maharaja Dad (MaD): Aare bacche koi nahi...don’t u worry!!

Lets get your teeth cleaned. I know a really great daanth-vaidh (dentist). He will get your teeth shining in no time.

At the Daanth-Vaidh's clinic :

PJ: Ohh please!! Ohh please!! get my teeth all shining again.

Daanth-Vaidh: Of course your majesty.

PJ: Aaaaachhhhoooooo!!

Daanth-Vaidh: OHH NOOOO!!

Back at the palace (Still flashing present):

MaM: Ohh no PJ...what happened to your tooth. Your mouth looks like the gateway to our kingdom!!

PJ: What do I do now....I cant believe PIJU will see me like this.

MaM: Aaare beta its ok....PIJU has 3 extra teeth and U have 1 less. Balance out ho jaaayega!!

MaD:Beta let this be a test of PIJU's love for you. Dekhte hain who he loves more...You or your tooth.

R:I think u still look good....Trust me 968.75 lamps are more than enough to light up any palace

F:ROFLHAO...You look soo funny!

S: IDEA !!!

Flash Foward:Wedding Day

S,R and F come running in...Baraat aa gayi, Baraat aa gayi (giggles)

PJ smiles shyly at PIJU and PIJU is smitten all over again.

PJ gets married and becomes PJIJU (Princess Jaijaishubhlaxmi Ishwar Jaykumar Unnikrishnan) and they live happily ever after.

P.S:I know the questions on your mind "What about her lost tooth ?" "What brilliant idea did S come up with?"

Well its turned out PIJU did love PJ more than her tooth…so he happily donated one of his own....This ladies and gentlemen was the first and only tooth transplant in the history of mankind!!

Truly a (tooth) fairytale

PS:All pictures used are copyrighted by Disney and their respective owners. I do not own them. If this infringes any copyright laws please let me know and the pics will come down asap.

Friday, June 5, 2009

How to Dump your Boyfriend in 10 days !!

My friends and I were discussing movies over lunch today and the conversation turned to chick flicks. Bridget Jones diary definitely tops my list on that one..everybody else had their own choice of movies.

One movie which sounded interesting (sounded coz i haven't watched it) was how to lose a guy in 10 days. The whole idea seemed quite interesting..a dating guide in the reverse...things that one shouldn't do in a relationship....the movie promised to be mighty hilarious.While everyone excitedly started making plans of watching it on our next sleepover, gripped by Blogomania all I could think of was how this would actually make a great blog post. I could use all the expertise I have gained in this area..some thru my own experience and others through the experiences of others (finally all those years spent playing agony aunt are paying off!!)

So hold your breath as Shanu proudly presents:
How to Dump your Boyfriend in 10 days

Yeah Dosti hum jaroor todenge: Pester him to introduce you to his friends. Once he relents and introduces you, you have a variety of tactics at your disposal.
Tactic 1: Pick the cutest guy in the group and start talking to him. For better results take his cell number and call him to talk about nothing. If your boyfriend calls, tell him you
cant talk because you are busy talking to his friend.
Tactic 2: Right after you meet them, tell him how you think they
are not right for him. Choose random people from your Orkut friend list and ask him to send them friend requests. If he protests start crying and say that you are only trying to help him.

Preparation time: 1-2 weeks of pestering; Additional 2 weeks for Tactic 1
Difficulty: Medium
Probability of scaring the guy away: Medium
Probability of a fight (which could be used to dump the guy):High

Wherever you go, my network follows: Call him every 2 hours and message him every 15 mins. If he doesn't answer your calls, increase the frequency of calls. Works best if he is in an important meeting.

One of my friend's GF called him 40 times in 30 minutes. Try beating that record.

Preparation time: None
Difficulty: Medium
Probability of scaring the guy away: High
Probability of a fight :Very High

Har Rang kuch kehta hai: Buy a new dress and ask your BF to guess the colour. I was lucky(??) to be privy to one of such conversations.
She: I bought a new dress today..Guess whats the colour?
She:Ankhin kaunta rang asto?? (This is in marathi..when translated means - What other colour can you guess)
She:Ankhin kaunta rang asto??
She:Ankhin kaunta rang asto??

You get the gist don't you??

The conversation between my friend and her BF continued for 2 hours at the end of which the guy was out of colours and yet he hadn't guessed the right one. How could he, when the colour was a cross between tomato red and lotus pink??

Preparation time: High - also involves cost of the dress.
Difficulty: Low
Probability of scaring the guy away: Low
Probability of a fight :Low

Weighty matters (to be used with the earlier point for best results): Wear a new dress and ask him "Do you think I look fat??"

Variations include asking him "Do you think my best friend Meera is pretty?", "Does this haircut make me look younger?"

Research shows men haven't been able to figure out an answer to these yet..and if your BF answers these questions convincingly..think again..maybe u shouldn't be dumping him after all.

Preparation time: None
Difficulty: Low
Probability of scaring the guy away: High
Probability of a fight :Very High

Phone a friend: Call all the girls in his phone book and casually ask them if they were dating him. If they answer in negative demand to know why. Do they feel he isn't boyfriend material?

If they answer in positive ask them if they are still in touch and use the details to pick up a fight with your BF.

Preparation time: Medium
Difficulty: High
Probability of scaring the guy away: High
Probability of a fight :Very High

Take an interest in his interests and do the exact opposite: I don't need to explain this now do I?

Preparation time: None
Difficulty: Medium
Probability of scaring the guy away: Medium
Probability of a fight :High

Tell your friends intimate details about your relationship: This is a gr8 way of losing not only ur bf but also ur best friends...the nastier the details shared, the better. When you introduce him to your friends ask them to look at him and giggle. When he asks why..tell him its just a small secret and laugh some more.

Preparation time: None
Difficulty: Low
Probability of scaring the guy away: High
Probability of a fight :Very High

I hope these tips are as useful to you as they were to my countless friends...Any other suggestions are welcome.