Sunday, May 31, 2009
Seriously I mean it...I hate walking.
With Paro's entry in my life..things have become easier (although I am still dependant on Vishnukaka..but what the heck..I can get anywhere I want without walking!) but I cannot forget my first love..The Rickshaw
When I was younger I loved taking the rickshaw wherever I went...Infact there was a point when my mom was so fed up of my rickking ways that she would threaten to get me married to a rickwala if I didn't stop. And I in my kiddish dreams would imagine myself married to a rickwala and all the perks that came with it. I was actually quite upset when my mom started concentrating on the fact that I couldnt cook and started threatening that she would get me married to a cook.
Anyways, back to the point.
My love for the rickwalas is not without a cause. I can recall a 10001 incidents when they have helped me out!
The rickwala is the answer to 2 of my greatest shortcomings. Don't believe me? Let me explain:
1) I suck at directions and I mean it: I travelled to college by train for 2 years. I would take the same train everyday..get down on the same platform..walk up the same foot over bridge and take the same steps down to get to my college in the west. One fine Monday I was late. I missed the bus which took me to the station. That made me miss the train that I usually took. On the spur of the moment...I decided to take the fast train from the opposite platform.I got off the train and followed the crowd up the footover bridge.
Walking down the bridge I realised that everything seemed different. Wow how much things have changed over the weekend I thought to myself. I realised something was amiss when I hadnt reached my college inspite of walking for a good 20 mins.
Bhaiyya yeah *** College kidhar hai?
Madam *** toh west main hai..yeah toh east hai!!
Acha..abhi main west main kaise jaaun?
Madam Rickshaw pakad lo...10 mins main pahunch jaaoge.
See what I mean?
2) I am always late: The rickwala has saved my life so many times I cant even count.
Late? Just say I didnt get a rick.
Really late? Tell the rickwala "Bhaiyya mujhe Powai 20 mins main pahunchna hai" and there u are...from Andheri to Powai in 20 mins flat!!
Really really late? Blame the rickwala "God my rickwala was so slow... I could have walked faster!"
From school to college to office...the rickshaw has stood by my side..solid as a rock..ever ready and ever willing to whisk me away whenever I am lost (quite often) and to take the blame whenever I am late(always).
Although my relationship with the rickwalas has soured after Paro's antics (I have crashed into the headlights of one and into the tail lights of another).....this is one relationship I will cherish forever.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Over the last many years I have formulated a few hypotheses to try and understand how the baby brain functions. My cousin’s new born baby boy gave me ample time to try and prove my hypotheses.
Hypothesis 1: Babies are innocent.
Experiment: I usually don’t offer to carry babies – newborn or not – because experience tells me that they will soil my clothes ie shit or puke on me, at the first opportunity. But I agreed to hold my cousin’s 10 day old baby for the sake of this experiment (ohh the perils of being a scientist)
a) The baby can smell fear. He knows I am scared. He occasionally lets off a shrill cry to signal his on coming assault.
b) The probability of the baby shitting or puking increases by 100% if the mom declares “I have changed his nappy a minute ago… don’t worry he wont soil your clothes”
c) The probability increases by 200% if this statement is accompanied by the mom confidently not giving you a blanket to hold the baby in.
d) The probability of the baby soiling your clothes reduces by 50% if you are wearing his mother’s tattered gown but will increase to 100% if you are wearing your new T-shirt.
Conclusion: No, they aren’t as innocent as they look. In fact they are the most intelligent beings on the planet. The baby definitely knows when the most damage can be done and strikes at the strategic time…now that isn’t innocent is it??
I at times wonder where does this cunning intelligence disappears as we grow up.
Hypothesis 2: Its lucky if a baby soils your clothes when you carry him.
Experiment: Right after my cousin’s baby puked on me, I ran to the lottery store amidst my granny’s talks of “Don’t worry beta, its lucky” and my mom’s frantic screams of “Clean yourself first”
Observation: I did not win anything on the lotteries and neither did I win a MHADA flat, the forms of which I had purchased right after my neighbor’s new born puked on me.
Conclusion: Do not go out without cleaning yourself…coz although its supposed to be lucky..it doesn’t smell good.
Hypothesis 3: Babies sleep like angels.
Experiment: Wait till the baby falls asleep and then get into an animated discussion on the merits of traveling in the second class compartment on a weekday.
Observation: The baby manages to sleep whilst his mom puts forth her point of view but starts bawling when you try to make a point. The whole family looks at you accusingly whilst you try to scribble your observations.
Conclusion: Babies sleep like angels but bawl like devils
There were a few other hypotheses that I wanted to prove but I kinda got a feeling that I wasn’t welcome at my cousin’s place anymore. Although I have been debarred from entering her house for the next 3 months…I am planning to conduct the rest of my experiments at my friend’s house…she just had a baby girl.
Wish me luck!!
But till then ....How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1) At lunch time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.”
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the memo field of all your checks, write “for smuggling diamonds”
7) Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
8) Don’t use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go.”
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme?
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16) Have your Co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!, I Won!”
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
19) Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
20) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.
21) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
22) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
23) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
24) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
25) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
26) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
27) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
28) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
29) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
30) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity………….It’s called THERAPY!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Last Dassera, I bought my first car..a shiny new Santro. She was the most beautiful car I had set my eyes on. Shiny silver...she stood there waiting for me to take her on the drive of her life. Like all things I own I had to name her...I blv nothing is lifeless...all things have feelings and emotions and you need to refer to them with respect. So everything in my house - from the bed to the rug - has a name....Back to the naming...I named her Paro (short for Parvati)..it was my mom's idea actually..she thought it went with my personality ***rolls eyes***
Vishnu my trusty driver looked at me and beamed...and like in some hindi movie..all the words of encouragement that he had showered on me during my car driving training days started echoing in my head "Baby aap toh Baba(he calls my bro Baba) se bhi jyada acha chalate ho", "Baby toh do din main car ko office le jaa sakegi" as I tried to zoom away to glory. But yeah kya..no matter how hard I tried..Paro refused to move...."Vishnukaka help" I said with puppy eyes....and Vishnukaka my driver in shining new uniform saved the day for me by getting Paro home.
Paro and I share a strange relationship...no matter how hard I try we havent been able to gel. One of my friends suggested that maybe..just maybe..she didnt like the name Parvati..and I should consider changing it...but wat does he know about cars and names!! My dad's car is quite wel behaved and lets me drive it (ya it...coz i havent named it...it was bought bfr I was born..and i cant name some1 older thn me now can I??) arnd peacefully. Paro on the other hand..tends to end up embarrsing me every time I take her out for a drive.
Like the last time when I decided to take her for a spin...as alwayz she refused to move..and when she did...she moved at speeds that were meant for the F1 race and not for Mumbai's road...I ended up returning home with a bruised bumper and a bruised ego (got a ticket for speeding). But that wasn't the end of it..I had more humiliation in store...Paro decided she will suddenly stop moving when I reached the gates of my complex.
Consider the setting...uncles out on evening walks with aunties...tiny babies in strolleys with their mommies, kids younger to me zipping in and out in their cars effortlessly and admist all of this..Paro decides to come to a stop. No amount of cajoling gets her started...my trusty Vishnukaka isnt in sight either. Frustrated and irritated, I am trying my best to get her started when Ramkhilawan...our doodhwala..decides this is the most opportune time to take his rickety cycle(champakali) and the 2 cans of milk balanced on her to the other end of the road..by cutting in frnt of my car. There is something about rickety cycles and potbellied milkmen that Paro cannot resist because she suddenly decides to move...and I end up crushing Champakali under Paro's wheels.
The sea of milk spread across the complex gate brought all the uncles and aunties and kiddos and moms with their strolleys to my car..and murmurs of lady driver hai....aur kya karegi started...when out of nowhere Vishnukaka came to my rescue yet again..and whisked Paro and me away.
Its been 4 month since I have last touched Paro...my sis drives her without much trouble..but I havent been able to figure out why she (Paro not my sis) hates me soo much...My friend still insists that my car didn't like the name Paravati and this is her way of revolting...but I dont really agree...Any other thoughts??
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The blogging fever has really gripped me off late...I mean I actually think of what I can post next at 1 in the morning(****yawns****)..I get inspiration in the weirdest of places and in the middle of random conversations...Its like I have been gripped by Blogomania.
Its no wonder then that the minute i set my eyes on this status update on Facebook I had to post it here......all names have been changed to protect identities.
Read at your own risk!!
I am sure after reading this..you must be wondering...subah ke 1 baje aise inspirations aate hain kya...obsvly na yaar...wat else do u expct....I also realize I might lose the only ** now 2 ** followers (***yay***) I have (***Shudders***) but pls pls pls..dont go...Ill try to think of sumthin better next time!!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Well this post is not as controversial as the title suggests. What I have tried to do here is put together all the lessons I have learnt..where else but on the backseat ;-)
- Two is company but 3 is crowd: Especially when you are sandwiched between 2 plump people who insist on sitting by the window seat...yet keeping the window rolled up inspite of the car not having a functional AC. Get the picture??
- The front seat can attack you netime: Especially if it is occupied by a moron who wont warn you before reclining the seat.
- Seatbelts are there for a reason: I learnt this the hard way when my driver was manoveruing the scary ghats at speeds that would put a F1 driver to shame
- All difficult questions are directed to the backbenchers: Duh..this is a no brainer isnt it. No wonder we backbenchers are not able to answer any questions...wat else do you expect!
- No matter who hits the teacher with the chalk, ne1 found laughing on the backbench will be caught: Need I explain this further??
- The windows are there for a reason: And that is to protect you from the rain of puke that the nasty kid in the seat in front of you is busy showering on you.
- The bumpier the road the greater the number of speedbreakers: And what better way to prove this then by counting the number of jolts your back receives?
- The greater the number of speed breakers/the bumpier the road, the higher the speed of the bus: This is an extension of the earlier lesson. There is nothing better than your aching back help you learn this!!
Technically it should be the pillion but wat the heck!
- You can fly: Yeah u can..just try not holding on to anything while crusing down the road. One unanticipated break and you are superman/woman sailing through the sky!!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Its heart break season for me.. I have had 2 heart breaks in the last 4 months...that an average of 1/2 a month..and these 4 months have kinda made me an authority on the subject.. More on that later.
Have you ever wondered why sad songs are associated with heart breaks…I mean whenever I am feeling low….listening to these songs make me feel more miserable…and I obviously wouldn’t want ne1 else to suffer the way I did these last 4 months....So (***drumrolls***) I decided to come up with a list of the 10 songs you shouldn’t listen to when u are down and low…!!
This list is purely based on my experience...and effects could vary from individual to individual...so here goes!!
10) If I let u go: A Westlife classic…this is the only English song on the list..mostly because sad song suno toh apni language main suno yaar..watz the point of listenin to a song..jiske lyrics read karke follow karne pade?
9) Abh tere bin ji lenge (Ashiqui): This movie was a super hit when it released….or so I am told by people who where old enough to understand movies…as for me... I watched it recently…and cant imagine what drove people to the theatres..i mean can u inagine watching Anu Agarwal and Rahul Roy on the big screen for 3 hours**shudders** But yes awesome songs..no doubt!
8) Tujhe yaad na meri aayi(KKHH): My favorite SRK wala movie **kisses** Ohh how I cried buckets with Anjali when her best frnd Rahul ditches her for the hot and happening Tina….Loads of heart broken memories associated wit this song…a strong contender for the top 5.
7) Ya Rabba(Salaam e Ishq): The movie sucked but this song rocked….I criedbuckets just during this song..the rest of the while…I spent imagining what I cld have done with the money I had spent on the tickets….my tears were for the 100 Rs spent on the super flop movie
6) Main jahan rahon(Namaste London): Who could have imagined Himesh Reshammiya could come up with a gem like this!!
5) Kal ho na ho (sad version): This song has to be seen….u cant feel the emotions when you listen to it..….the way SRK kisses PZ....the way he gives her away to Saif…the waterworks are sure to flow.
4) Tu jahaan(Salaam Namaste):Again awesome picturization and superb lyrics…this song was the saving grace of an otherwise forgettable movie.
3) Tum Bin(Tum Bin) : Number 3 and 2 are the from the same movie..Tumbin...great songs…they can turn a sunny day to a cloudy one..they will remind you of all your lost loves and make you cry your heart out….don’t blv me..listen to them and you will know.
2) Meri duniya main aake mat jaa (Tum Bin)
1) Aaoge jab tum ho sajna(Jab we met): The greatest sad song ever…awesome lyrics and super acting (who can frgt the sad Geet) makes this the badshah of all sad songs.
I am sure I must have missed quite a few songs (whether they deserve to be in the top 10..is totally debatable) but I for one tend to stay away from these songs whenever I am feeling low. I prefer listening to what I call feel good songs…which add a spring to my step and make me feel there is hope in this world.
Just my point of view..btw you are free to suggest any changes I need to make to this list…so that I know if there are any other songs I need to stay away from.
**I havent had 2 heartbrks in the last 4 months...man that would be insane..but yes, thank you for all your emails..I am deeply touched***