Funny Moments in Church :)

This again is an email that I got..damn hilarious!!

Dont believe me?? Check it out!

How to get noticed at work in 3 simple steps!

At the cost of sounding immodest, I have to say that I am one of the few famous personalities at my workplace. Everyone from the security guard to the loo cleaner to the MD knows me by name. They acknowledge my presence sometimes with a subtle nod (my MD), at times with a energetic salute (my security guard) and others with a high-fi (random acquaintances).

My fame was noticed by a poor soul who was virtually unknown. People would walk right past her without acknowledging her presence while at other times, her ideas were not given their due credit. She mustered all the courage she could and approached me so that I could give her some tips on how to become famous. And the kind and caring soul that I am, I agreed, kinda like Will Smith in Hitch.

And there she was from zero to hero in just 3 easy steps! I know, I know, quite a few of you are dying to know how I managed this amazing feat. So as always, in true Shanu ishtyle, I present:

How to get noticed at work in 3 simple steps

The Fall of Fame: This is the simplest and yet the most effective way to attract attention to yourself. The best part about this tactic is that once you master it, you can try it out in a variety of different places.

Steps: One, Two, Three, Fall. Get up, dust yourself, Smile.

Repeat when needed.

My Claim to Fame: I was in the cafeteria walking towards my table with a glass of mango milkshake in one hand and a plate of cheese-grilled sandwich in the other. As always I decided to ignore the Wet floor sign and walked right across it. Bad move.

I slipped and the plate of cheese grilled sandwich landed on the floor. The mango milkshake, however, had other plans. It decided to slip outta my hand and in a move right out of a Spiderman movie, somersaulted on to my head. Although my hair looked great the next day, I made quite a sorry sight that day.

Note to self: Mango milkshake is a great conditioner.

My Protégé’s execution: We both mutually decided that as the cafeteria fall is my forte’ , she should try the staircase. The staircase chosen for this task was superbly placed at the center of the workfloor. It overlooked both the ground as well as the mezzanine floor. In short Perfect.

The Protégé confidently walked towards the staircase and as she reached the landing, slipped and fell. The commotion drew all attention to her, with a few helpful guys even coming and helping her stand up.

After effects: Her visibility rose and with it brought in a sprinkling of popularity too. She was asked out by 3 guys that week – something that hadn’t happened in the 2 years that she has spent in the organization.

You have got email: This tactic can get you visibility on an organizational level but the effects are short term and can be detrimental at times.

Steps: (i)Open Email, Type Gibberish, Send to the whole organization

Or (ii)Open any email that has been sent to the whole organization, Select reply to all, Type Gibberish, Send

My Claim to Fame: My Lotus notes has exceeded its quota limit ages ago. To send out emails, I use the copy into new option **Sob** The problem with this option is that if you aren’t careful, you end up replying to all who were copied in the original email.

My best friend Jyoti had come in to work wearing capris. She is quite petite and looked absolutely lovely. Me being me, decided to compliment her over email.

So I copied the first mail I could find (which incidentally was an Internal communication about one of our directors resigning), typed out my compliments “Capris pehankar tum dekho office main mat aana, Managers tumko sab chegenge, cubicles main mat jaana” and sent it out to..yeah you guessed it right…to the whole organization.

And that is how my MD knows me by name ***smug smile***

My Protégé’s execution: Anxious as she was to make her mark, she didn’t wait for an Internal communication. She just chose Option 1 to send out an extremely heavy (5 MB) virus laden forward.

After effects: This got her noticed not only by the senior management who issued her a memo (sending out non work related emails is not permitted in my organization) but also by the IT team who had to work on the server, which apparently crashed due to the virus.

Caveat:Virus check the email before you send it out.

Dressed to kill: This is an extremely difficult tactic and needs a lot of patience and preparation. But the results are longer lasting and well worth the efforts.

Steps: If you have a bad dressing sense, your work is done. For all you know, you are already famous and the whole organization knows you. Look out for words, which are often repeated when you are around e.g champakali or dhinchak. We have a sad dresser in our team who is code named ‘Subway’ because of the pin striped formal pants she wears.(Do not look for logic in the code name – there is none)

If you have a good sense of dressing, just pick up whatever repels you. For further information watch any Govinda movie. Girls can make Rakhi Sawant their idol.

My Claim to Fame: I was fortunate enough to get an extremely unflattering haircut. In fact, I was called Ishant (Ishant Sharma of Indian cricketing fame) for around 6 months till my hair grew back to a girly length. Those 6 months were the best months of my life, so much so that, I actually cried when my hairdresser gave me a better haircut when I went back to her.

My Protégé’s execution: My protégé has straightened her hair which she never conditions. Girls will know what I mean. Guys can refer to the Shock Laga ads.

After effects: This tactic got her instant attention with guys singing Shock laga laga laga Shock laga everytime she passes by.

My protégé is quite well known now. Infact there are times when the security guards salute her and ignore me.

The attention seeker in me hates it.

I am now working on how to reduce her visibility in 3 simple steps ***Evil Laugh***

How a Snake can kill you without biting you....

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell,the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked into the living room to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, she dangled her hand in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.She screamed and fainted and the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp so that he needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so She assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey,and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the startled family dog who, jumped out and raced into the street where an oncoming car swerved to avoid the dog and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. (But they did get the house fire out).

Time passed and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police were issued a new car, and all was right with their world.

Several days later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. That's when he shot her.

Tangy Tuesday Picks....Me

It seemed like any other rainy day.

Leaving for work 2 hours before time (contingency planning for non availability of rickshaws and late running trains), getting drenched in the rain which cant decide which direction it wants to pour from, wadding through waist deep water, getting splashed on by a truck and coming back home after an hour, completely drenched with the umbrella turned upside down.

Yeah seemed like just any other rainy day.

But an email changed it all. Kya email? An email which proclaimed "Your post has been picked for our Tangy Tuesdays "

My initial reaction was..ya u guessed it right...Fainting!

My second reaction was....screaming Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

I finally realised I hadn't checked the email! Well, this is what it said:

Congratulations! Your post has been selected by BlogAdda as one of the top posts for this week's 'Tangy Tuesday Picks'.

BlogAdda has started 'Tangy Tuesdays' and 'Spicy Saturdays' where BlogAdda picks up good posts from Indian blogosphere and serves it to the readers on Tuesdays and Saturdays. This way, good posts are acknowledged and readers get to read quality content. This is also an opportunity for everyone to interact even more in fruitful discussions.

In case you would like to inform your users about your post being selected as "BlogAdda's Tangy Tuesday Pick", we have attached an image that you can use it on your post.

Yup, yup, yup my blog post being picked up by BlogAdda for Tangy Tuesday picks!

Cant believe my eyes! And the best part is that I am not even a member of BlogAdda. My brother seems to think that word of mouth got my blog post there....I, as usual have no clue..too numb to even think!

This is what the post intro says:

Who : Shanu
What : Based on a True Story (2)
Tangy : The opening line of the post says ‘Most Embarrassing moment of my life’ . This line says it all about the humorous post by Shanu . In our earlier picks we had a similar post by Vimmu . Both these posts are a must read ones .

Excuse me while I faint again!

Based on a True Story (2)

***The most Embarrassing day of my life***

6.00 am

“You better get up now or you are going to be really late”

"Please mom..five minutes"

"You have been saying 5 minutes for the last 20 mins.."

"Please mom..five minutes..only five minutes please please please"

6.30 am

"Shanu beta, get up or you are going to be late."

"Ohh freak, mom its 6.30. Why didn’t you wake me up on time!"

"Shut up and start getting ready."

Getting up late, rushing to get ready and managing to reach college in the nick of time. It seemed like a pretty normal boring day. I was blissfully unaware of what was to be, the most embarrassing day of my life

I had an extremely important lecture that day, that I absolutely couldn't’t miss.

It had nothing to do with the fact that I loved the subject (Economics) and absolutely everything to do with the fact that Mr Kapadia was the vice principal of our college. Secondly Kapu, as we fondly called him, took lectures only once a week. So to meet the requisite 75% attendance you could afford to miss only 5 lectures every 6 months. And thanks to my early to bed and early to rise habits, I had already exceeded my absence quota for the next 10 years.

Anyhoo, I managed to wolf breakfast down before I rushed to take the bus. Now, to reach the bus stop I had to cross a busy junction. As I reached the junction, I saw my bus leaving the stop. Confident of my running bus catching abilities, I rushed towards the bus and in one swift fluid movement caught the front door. And in another flawlessly co-coordinated movement, I got in.

Screecchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

The driver took one look at my acrobatics and pushed the brakes. As he turned towards me, I braced myself for the compliments that were about to be showered on me..after all not many can manage a feat like that!

Driver: Showering me with paan juice Uthro..abhi neeche Uthro (Get down..get down right now)

Me: Dodging the paan droplets with amazing matrix like agility Kashala kaka, bus madhe jagah aahe na (Why do you want me to get down? There are quite a few vacant seats around)

Driver: Tumko pata nahi kya..chalti bus main nahi chadna chahiye..Abhi uthro (Don’t you know, you aren’t supposed to get into a running bus)

And I was unceremoniously asked to get off the bus, bag and folder in tow. As I got into the next bus that came 5 mins later,I thought I could die with embarrassment. But die I did not. Because it wasn’t the end.

Once I reached college, I got off and started crossing the road when I saw a school bus approaching.

I decided to wait by the divider before crossing. That was the second mistake of the day. As the bus rattled across, a couple of school kids decided to have fun at my expense and emptied a bottle of water on my head.

Fuming and fretting, I reached my class only to be asked by Mr Kapadia to present my case study to the class. Now Kapu had a habit all of us absolutely adored. He went to sleep the minute the students started presenting their case studies.

The professor sleeping, guaranteed no questions on the presentation. No questions asked on the presentation, guaranteed great marks. Great marks in the internals ensured less slogging in the written papers. I am sure you kinda get a gist of how important this presentation was.

So there I was dripping from head to toe presenting my 20 marks case study to the class. And true to form, Kapu dozed off as soon as I started with my presentation. His snores drifted me to the events of the day and I smiled at my series of embarrassments. That smile turned to a giggle, which blossomed into a full blown laughter.

Well, they say I have an infectious laugh, but they never told me about the disadvantages it came with. Kapu suddenly woke up to find a class full of laughing youngsters and me standing on the dais laughing my guts out.

I was asked to get out of the class and the fate of my internals can very well be imagined.

I have had my share of embarrassing moments after that, but this day by far tops the list of having the most number of embarrassing moments in a single day!

Read True Story (1) here

Innovative Ideas for commiting suicide! (Reader discretion recommended)

Poor Bunny...Dont die bunny dont die!!

Split wide open!

Howzzat!!

End Game!

Time's up!!

Die of Laughter!

Dead with a Bang!

A well planned death!

PS: Finally crossed the 1000 mark on the webcounter...Yoohoooooo!!

Based on a True Story (1)

***This is the first in a series of posts based on real life incidents that I intent to publish. Not sure if there will be any more though....I have always been better at fiction..or so I think :P***

Me: Mom,please khana khilao na..Im feeling bored to eat.

Mom: Shut up and eat. Itni badi ho gayi hai aur khana maine khilaneka?

Me: Please mom.

Mom:Shanu, eat ur khana or you are grounded.

Caw, caw caw (that isn’t me..its a crow at the window sill)

Mom: Aare beta, tu jaldi aa gaya aaj. Tere liye toh maine abhi tak roti bhi nahi banayi!

Me: Mom, please feed me na...I am feeling bored.

Mom: Shut up Shanu. I have to go feed the crow!!

Me: (Turning green wit envy) Kya faltoogiri hai....You can feed the crow but you cant feed me!

Mom: Thatz it...One more word from you young lady and you are grounded.

Me: Sulking Ohhkkkk. Eww bhindi (lady fingers) ki sabzi...I hate it. Mom please make something else for me na.

Mom: Thats it. Off to your room with your plate.

Me: Hmmpppttt!!

After sulking in my room for half an hour..I decide to take revenge. The crow will pay for depriving me of my mother’s love.

Me:Splashing the crow with water Fly away you stupid bird.

Crow: Caw caw caw Your mom loves me more than you!

Me: Shut up you stupid bird. My mom doesn’t love you!

Crow: Of course she does. You wanna bet?

Me: Of course

Crow: I heard you telling your mom you don’t like the vegetable she has made. Did she make a new one for you?

Me: Of course not. She doesn’t have the time for making a new sabzi.

Crow: Thats what you think! Watch and learn from the expert.

Mom enters with roti and sabzi for the crow.

Mom: Take beta..eat.

Crow: Caw caw caw caw (Translation : No I wont)

Mom:Kya hua, you don’t like the sabzi?

Crow: Caw (Translation : No)

Mom: Should I make something else for you? Allo ki sabzi khayega?

Crow: Caw caw (Translation : Yes please)

Mom: Okie..Ill make some for you!

Me: Mom!!

Crow: Cee cee cee (Translation : Hee hee hee)

And there it was official..My mom loves the crow more than she loves me.