Sunday, May 24, 2009

Hey Baby!!

If you thought Monica (from Friends) was crazy about have to meet Priya. One of my best friends, Priya is crazy about babies. She just has to lay her eyes on a tiny squealing baby and you can see her undergo a complete transfomation..quite like the Hulk. But with a difference…the Hulk turned green and wicked when angry but Priya turns jelly kneed and moist eyed when she is gripped with baby blues...I for one haven’t been able to relate to babies.

Over the last many years I have formulated a few hypotheses to try and understand how the baby brain functions. My cousin’s new born baby boy gave me ample time to try and prove my hypotheses.

Hypothesis 1: Babies are innocent.
Experiment: I usually don’t offer to carry babies – newborn or not – because experience tells me that they will soil my clothes ie shit or puke on me, at the first opportunity. But I agreed to hold my cousin’s 10 day old baby for the sake of this experiment (ohh the perils of being a scientist)
Observations :
a) The baby can smell fear. He knows I am scared. He occasionally lets off a shrill cry to signal his on coming assault.
b) The probability of the baby shitting or puking increases by 100% if the mom declares “I have changed his nappy a minute ago… don’t worry he wont soil your clothes”
c) The probability increases by 200% if this statement is accompanied by the mom confidently not giving you a blanket to hold the baby in.
d) The probability of the baby soiling your clothes reduces by 50% if you are wearing his mother’s tattered gown but will increase to 100% if you are wearing your new T-shirt.

Conclusion: No, they aren’t as innocent as they look. In fact they are the most intelligent beings on the planet. The baby definitely knows when the most damage can be done and strikes at the strategic time…now that isn’t innocent is it??
I at times wonder where does this cunning intelligence disappears as we grow up.

Hypothesis 2: Its lucky if a baby soils your clothes when you carry him.
Experiment: Right after my cousin’s baby puked on me, I ran to the lottery store amidst my granny’s talks of “Don’t worry beta, its lucky” and my mom’s frantic screams of “Clean yourself first”
Observation: I did not win anything on the lotteries and neither did I win a MHADA flat, the forms of which I had purchased right after my neighbor’s new born puked on me.
Conclusion: Do not go out without cleaning yourself…coz although its supposed to be doesn’t smell good.

Hypothesis 3: Babies sleep like angels.
Experiment: Wait till the baby falls asleep and then get into an animated discussion on the merits of traveling in the second class compartment on a weekday.
Observation: The baby manages to sleep whilst his mom puts forth her point of view but starts bawling when you try to make a point. The whole family looks at you accusingly whilst you try to scribble your observations.
Conclusion: Babies sleep like angels but bawl like devils

There were a few other hypotheses that I wanted to prove but I kinda got a feeling that I wasn’t welcome at my cousin’s place anymore. Although I have been debarred from entering her house for the next 3 months…I am planning to conduct the rest of my experiments at my friend’s house…she just had a baby girl.

Wish me luck!!


Mayz said...

LOL!!! now that was some observation...thnx for d tips...will keep em in mind...

btw i completely agree wid ur hypothesis of babies smellin fear...have been subjected to dat myself

DPhatsez said...

dear o dear!
Warning: MAd Scientist on the loose! Keep your babies away!

tum sach mein kick out huey? :)

iceprincess said...

i am so proud of u...
plz..honour me and join my lab....
i loved it!!!!

Shanu said...

@ Mayz

Welcome to my blog. Do keep droppin by :)

Shanu said...

@ Dphat

Ya..I wasnt even invited to his naming ceremony...but no harm done...I am now successfully conducting experiments on my frnd's daughter ***evil laugh***

Shanu said...

@ iceprincess

Thank you :)

Shanu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Thatz a gr8 read..keep blogging!!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
blunt edges said...

ta da ***drum rolls***
great u sorted out d comments ka issue...had 2 say somethin very very imprtnt...I LURVEEEE MONICA :D:D:D dat i hv got dat outta my system...must say d post was truly hilarious...n woh email wala favs were 17,18 n 19...u know gonna copy dat n send it as a mail frwd...n how big is dis comment?!?!?!
ps: me followin u ***thunderous applause***

arshat.chaudhary said...

hey! I love babies too (i just say tht ard girls, heard they like men who like babies) :P
Jokes apart, I like kids in general, though i dont like to take their responsibility much.. also i dont like it when they beat me at certain games..
i thought u were a serious writer, good to see you wrting funny posts :)

Shanu said...

@ blunt edges

Lol..I love Monica too :)who doesnt :P

And all the torture I subjected u 2yesterday actually wrked...not only did u post a really long comment..but u decided to follow me too (god deta hai toh chapar phad ke deta hai!!)

I now know how to increase the number of comments I get ***evil grin***

Shanu said...

@ Arshat

Wanted to be a serious writer...but kya karun..koi serious topic par likhne ka mann hi nahi karta!!

Glad to see u here...keep droppin by :)

blunt edges said... abt increasin blog luks more like a chat forum i guess i can affora a more "evil-er" grin ;D

Shanu said...

@ blunt edges

Lol..exctly my sentiments..but didnt wanna say it..kahin bura laga aur tune mere blog ko follow karna band kardiya toh!! :P

blunt edges said...

naaa...iss maamle me i m khaafi dildaar...aakhir mere blog me bhi toh comments badh gaye ;) anythin 4 d numbers :D

Illeen said...

Ha Ha... what about,when u have one?lol..Or does DINK rule?

Shanu said...

Lol..need to get hooked before i can go that route ;)

Sowmi said...

good observation... so a scientist in making eh... sooper

Shanu said...

@ Sowmi

Thanks :)