If you thought Monica (from Friends) was crazy about babies...you have to meet Priya. One of my best friends, Priya is crazy about babies. She just has to lay her eyes on a tiny squealing baby and you can see her undergo a complete transfomation..quite like the Hulk. But with a difference…the Hulk turned green and wicked when angry but Priya turns jelly kneed and moist eyed when she is gripped with baby blues...I for one haven’t been able to relate to babies.
Over the last many years I have formulated a few hypotheses to try and understand how the baby brain functions. My cousin’s new born baby boy gave me ample time to try and prove my hypotheses.
Hypothesis 1: Babies are innocent.
Experiment: I usually don’t offer to carry babies – newborn or not – because experience tells me that they will soil my clothes ie shit or puke on me, at the first opportunity. But I agreed to hold my cousin’s 10 day old baby for the sake of this experiment (ohh the perils of being a scientist)
a) The baby can smell fear. He knows I am scared. He occasionally lets off a shrill cry to signal his on coming assault.
b) The probability of the baby shitting or puking increases by 100% if the mom declares “I have changed his nappy a minute ago… don’t worry he wont soil your clothes”
c) The probability increases by 200% if this statement is accompanied by the mom confidently not giving you a blanket to hold the baby in.
d) The probability of the baby soiling your clothes reduces by 50% if you are wearing his mother’s tattered gown but will increase to 100% if you are wearing your new T-shirt.
Conclusion: No, they aren’t as innocent as they look. In fact they are the most intelligent beings on the planet. The baby definitely knows when the most damage can be done and strikes at the strategic time…now that isn’t innocent is it??
I at times wonder where does this cunning intelligence disappears as we grow up.
Hypothesis 2: Its lucky if a baby soils your clothes when you carry him.
Experiment: Right after my cousin’s baby puked on me, I ran to the lottery store amidst my granny’s talks of “Don’t worry beta, its lucky” and my mom’s frantic screams of “Clean yourself first”
Observation: I did not win anything on the lotteries and neither did I win a MHADA flat, the forms of which I had purchased right after my neighbor’s new born puked on me.
Conclusion: Do not go out without cleaning yourself…coz although its supposed to be lucky..it doesn’t smell good.
Hypothesis 3: Babies sleep like angels.
Experiment: Wait till the baby falls asleep and then get into an animated discussion on the merits of traveling in the second class compartment on a weekday.
Observation: The baby manages to sleep whilst his mom puts forth her point of view but starts bawling when you try to make a point. The whole family looks at you accusingly whilst you try to scribble your observations.
Conclusion: Babies sleep like angels but bawl like devils
There were a few other hypotheses that I wanted to prove but I kinda got a feeling that I wasn’t welcome at my cousin’s place anymore. Although I have been debarred from entering her house for the next 3 months…I am planning to conduct the rest of my experiments at my friend’s house…she just had a baby girl.
Wish me luck!!